Today, I sat in the bathroom and cried. I needed to find just a few minutes to calm down. My oldest, he’s eight. Part lawyer as he argues back about everything pretty much just to remind me that he is his own person with his own thoughts and no one can tell him what to do. Part singer as he apparently thinks his life is a musical; thoughts come out of his mouth in a sing-song voice. Part brilliant boy as he is such an analytical thinker. Complete typical boy as he often needs to throw something to prove he can, regardless if he will get in trouble for it. A brother as he often needs to tease and torment his little brother, but just as often will hold his hand and show him the way.
He is absolutely lovable.
He is a good friend.
He is a sweet kid.
He is my oldest.
My first we-didn’t-know-we-can-have-a-kid miracle child.
He is the air I breathe and at times he is so much like me.
One of my favorite moments of the day, is when he comes into my bedroom in the morning. Says “Good morning Mommy” while slinging an arm half-heartedly over me for a hug and plants just the softest kiss on my cheek as I slowly awaken.
And then there are other times when he doesn’t focus on what I think he should be focusing on and I have to repeatedly repeat what I say to him over and over. Each time louder than the last until after the third or fourth or fifth time I am having to yell. My throat hurts. I can feel my blood boiling as my temperature rises. And he is yelling back now and I wonder why did I have to yell? Why can’t he just PLEASE LISTEN!
He is angry now and being very disrespectful with his talking back. I send him to his room to calm down, but I know deep down, it’s so I can calm down. I think back to this morning when he was gentle and hugging me. And I cry. I love this boy so much. I want all the best things for him and then some. He comes in and tells me, sorry and asks if we can move on, we each say we want to have a better day and we hug. I hold him with all my strength and hope and love. After he leaves the room, I think just how lucky and truly blessed I am. I tell myself once again that I won’t yell. A promise I try hard to keep every day, but am not always successful.